letter I

A letter to F (Mike then)around March of 2008. Those days when he was still dating S. Gee, this letter 16 months ago still applies to us.

Now I tell myself that I"ll never risk my heart like that again. I cannot stand another heartbreak. Actually, I'm just being honest. I did it because I didn't want to wake up one day to realize I was dying without telling him about it. Alright, so perhaps I should have thought about it a million times more and probably pondered the best way and perfect time to say it. Sometimes, I ask myself how things would have turned out had i waited little more and probably given him more time to know me.

I don't regret anything. What would I get crying over spilled milk? That's how I try to view things now. As one friend said, at least I told him. The greatest regret comes when you are not able to tell him.

I didn't lose anything. Well probably, a bit of my pride. But it's something i can get back. I'm the same old person, just a little wiser from experience.

I have already forgotten the fact. I have yet to get over him. He maybe Mr. Ideal Guy but most of the time, you don't get the ideal or the perfect, you go for the right thing or person.

I have yet to meet the man who could inspire and move me the way he moved and inspired me. Or perhaps I just don't notice him because all of my attentions are focused on someone else. This is what my friends have been telling me.

I'm not closing my heart to possibilities, I'm just afraid that I wouldn't be fair to the next guy who comes along because he might end up as "Mr. second best". Its a long, uphill climb to closure.

I have to be honest and say that yes, there is still some small seed of hope in my heart that eventually he will learn to love me. But I'm not going to waste the rest of my life backing on that. I know when to quit and give up.

It will come. It will come. Yes I'm probably a sucker for pain and self inflicted torture. I still enjoy the bitter sweet feeling the whole experience of loving him gives me. Yes, it's love despite what they say. If he would only give me a chance, id like to show him how much he means to me. But when the time comes that I need to let his memory go, I'll find a way.

That's how life goes. . .