Tired

I am effin tired today. That work is so consuming! Grrrr.

at BGC

I am really starting to abhor the schedule. Going to BGC is a real sacrifice. The work is so boring. And whenever I take the MRT ride, I feel like I am being raped.

I am too sleepy to continue this entry. Blogspot, I missed you. Tom nalang ulit.

Yesterday

. . . was fun. After my sojourn in the South, I met up with my two girlfriends-April and Madi. It was only meant to be a dinner at Madi's but I came to Bulacan around 10pm. The dinner ended ten minutes before 12midnight thus Madi offered an impromptu sleepover.

The sleepover was also fun. We did another episode of camera whoring and talked about personal issues. It was so liberating because we were able to confide our deepest thoughts. All single but happy.

Kumusta benta? Uhhmm. Excuse me, I am not a sales clerk nor a cashier. You're not so funny efforts to pissed me off were no longer affecting me. I am so apathetic when it comes to you. You are not worth my time.

Of Taguig and of Disappearance

Today marked my first working day at S6. I was asked to report there to participate in the fire drill. It was actually a seminar on what to do and the actual drill will be conducted next week. I don't know if I'll be able to participate on that because I don't know yet when I'll be back from the South.

My first day was okay. It was tiring, consuming and boring. It was tiring because I had to do some rounds and roving in my department. Checked the display items, the bearing of the sales clerks and the over-all appearance of the selling area. It was consuming because I also did the inventory of the newly arrived items in the warehouse. I didn't realize that I spent most of my afternoon there that i eventually missed my coffee break. Moreover, I can say that the job of a Department Supervisor is plain boring.

If there's one funny thing that happened today, I would be my SMS conversation with F. Disappear is the word for today. Hahaha. I can't believe how he could still manage to assume. Tsk. Is he the only F in the world? Feelingero talaga si F.

Jaded Sunday

So many things happened today and I find myself oh so jaded. I never got a decent sleep last night because I am so feverish. And my head, back and hips are aching like hell.

This morning, I took the Career Service Exam or the Civil Service Exam. I had a hard time answering those 170 items. I don't know if it was because of my flu or the questions are real difficult. Hahaha. Actually, the Math part of the exam was easier compared to English grammar. It took me 2 hours to finish the exam when it was designed to be taken for 3 hours. I don't know if it is a good sign or what, but I am hoping to pass that test. Gee, nakakahiya naman kapag bumagsak ako.

After the exam, I ate along Timog. I was a bit nostalgic as I see the familiar signages where F and I frequent. Out of missing him, I wasn't able to control the urge to send him SMS. He replied to my SMS. He even asked me where am I heading. Stupid me, I long to see him again.

Kudos to UP Fighting Maroons for winning the game against Ateneo.

sick again

Rar. I hate it. I hate my busted immune system. I am always sick on a weekly basis. Tsk. I hate feeling weak. I just wish that I may be able to pass my Civil Service exam given my sickness. Flu virus, why wont you go away? You are like F. Grrrrrr!

But I want lugaw. I am craving for lugaw. Anyone?

Fun Friday

I had a blast meeting those familiar faces. Twas only then that I found myself laughing real hard. Genuine happiness at that. It made me forget all the heartaches and problems I had in the past weeks.

Gee, what a way to celebrate my liberation. It has been a month since we broke up. But I must admit that I still miss him.

Provoked

Lord, I know that I have sinned a lot. Did things that are beyond morality. Not that I regret it but I am now sorry for those times. What I am going through right now is a lesson learned in a hard way. I went through a lot of emotional pain and torture but I am still trying to be strong. Carry me, Lord. The load is getting heavier everyday. Help me walk through these odds that I may show you how repentant I am.

Papa God, I am slowly learning my lessons. Please, do not burden me another human life within me. Not that I am declining the gift of parenthood but I don't think I am ready yet for the responsibilities. Lord, I don't want to rear a child alone. If there's something more painful than the PSP and DSLR confession, it would be his doubt on me. Isn't that unfair for him to think that I have been with other men? Lord, of all people, bakit sya pa un ganun? I am not asking him to love me anymore. Respect nalang sana.

If and ever that dreadful day comes, Lord, prepare me for the ordeal. Forgive me because he will never get to see my baby. Who needs someone like him? I can live without him. I don't need him.

Bless me, oh Lord tonight. Forgive me for the bad thoughts I have this very moment. I shouldn't be giving in to provocations. Make me strong. Carry me. Be with me, Jesus. Mama Mary, I seek your intercession in this predicament.

Amen.

SPaCE

I am now seriously considering to enroll myself in CSB's SPaCE non-degree program. It is for college graduates or professionals seeking to learn a new skill or strengthen competencies. Most programs are offered in consortium with professional and trade organizations and are handled by dedicated mentors and industry practitioners. Each program is composed of modules offered once a year. Each module is usually composed of six sessions held on Saturdays from 12:30pm to 7:30pm.

However, I am not yet decided on what field I want to concentrate. I am still torn between Human Resource Development and Organizational Development.

If you ask me why HR, I can say that I agree that the field of human resource management has been rapidly evolving to address newly emerging and increasingly complex areas of responsibility within the profession. HR specialists are being asked to understand and deal with a variety of important functions, including implementing and interpreting legal policy and procedure, administering intricate benefits and compensation programs, and dealing with potentially litigious workplace complaints. Today’s human resource specialists are faced with an unprecedented challenge in meeting the staffing needs of constantly changing organizations in an era of highly competitive labor markets. From strategic planning to cost/benefit analysis, HR managers play a key role in all facets of an organization.

With OD, I think it is more OrCom in nature. It will help a lot in providing managers, consultants, and staff a framework by which to analyze and clarify their dilemma, and put together a mix of Organization Development interventions aimed at overcoming it. At the end of the day, participants will be able to see their dilemma from their organizations’ structural, systemic, capability/ human resource and culture perspectives, determine the relationship of those perspectives, and identify and implement a mix of OD interventions appropriate for their situation.

The academic calendar is already set.

DIPLOMA IN HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT

• Performance Management (March 2010)
• HR Operations and Information Technology (May 2010)
• Industrial Relations (July 18 – Aug. 22, 2009)
• Human Resource Planning (Sept. 5 – Oct. 17, 2009)
• Development of the Training Programs (Oct. 24 - Dec. 12, 2009)
• Compensation, and Rewards Management (January, 2010)


DIPLOMA IN ORGANIZATION DEVELOPMENT

• Managing OD Essentials for Breakthrough Results (May 2010)
• Structuring Org. for Strategy Execution (July 18 - Aug. 22, 2009)
• Systematizing Excellence in Operations for
Strategic Effectiveness (Sept. 5 - Oct. 17, 2009)
• Disciplines and Tools for Org. Efficiency (Oct. 24 - Dec. 12, 2009)
• Corporate Comm. in Org. Culture (January 2010)
• Executive Leadership and HR Management in OD (March 2010)

Weird

Things are getting weird. I am actually not asking for any explanations or whatsoever. Blame it to my phone's send to all option. I am guilty of sending spam SMS last night but I never thought his name would still be in my phone book so I wasn't really that ready to read his SMS the morning after.

Weird. He told me that he made those things for me to hate him because that's what I wanted. Did I ever want myself be hurt by his actions? Tsk. I wonder why some people cannot take responsibility for their actions. You said those words yourself. You meant every word. WHAT YOU TOLD ME IS NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH! That's who you really are. You are a poseur, liar and user. For the love of God, be man enough and be responsible for your actions. Grow up!

Weird again. I don't hate you. I never did despite all the crappy things you did to me. And I don't know why. I may be hurt in the process but I can still find it in my heart to forgive you. I repeat, I don't hate you.

* * * * *
Oh crap, I don't have my period yet. Sweetie, you are two days late already. Don't torture me.

Meme Time

When I woke up this morning, I promised myself that I will start a healthy lifestyle. By healthy, I meant diet, exercise, skin treatments, and ample amount of sleep. If there's one good thing the separation taught me, maybe that is for me to take care of myself.

Diet
I will start my Lemon Detox diet on Monday. Promise! I don't have the ingredients with me. After my exam on Sunday, I will buy those. Besides, I can't really start detoxing today since it's my granny's birthday. You know, it's difficult to pass on delicious food. Hahaha. Plus FIC gave us free samples of Banana Split. Four spoons for that.

Exercise
I have been doing Pilates for almost 2 weeks now. I can see results as my core muscles are toning already. I also jog in the morning and do skipping ropes before I take a bath. I am getting really fit now. Who would have thought that I am nursing an ailment?

Skin Treatments
Since I frequent Sacred Hospital, I thought of continuing my Diamond Peeling sessions with Tita Chit. After 2 sessions, I can see some improvement. My skin seems to glow. Pimple marks are still visible but has improved alot. I don't even have pimples now. I am now religiously applying those creams. No pain, no gain. And Patience is indeed a virtue.

Sleep
This is what I lack. There was never a day that I can get enough zzzzzz. At night, my mind is too troublesome to even rest. I still think of what will happen in the next 10 weeks---how and to whom I am going to spend it. During daytime, I am too busy watching flicks or reading novels.

I am enjoying my "me time". I can do these things leisurely. I've got to love myself before someone else does. It's not too late for me to be vain. After all, who wouldn't want to be pretty and calm looking on her bed.

P.S: Goodnight, everyone. I should stop worrying now eventhough I lost my new phone with my number on it. Grr. I am now using my old Globe sim. Come on, Holy Spirit, deliver me from temptation. That I may control myself from sending him SMS.

Signing off,
Single L

Am I?

I knew it. I always find it hard to write whenever I am happy. I just thought that words are not enough to fully explain such feelings.

Lately, I have been feeling too lazy to blog. And I don't know why.Am I happy now? Have I found the elusive peace of mind? Have I totally moved on?

There's only one way to answer all these. I know how. But I don't have the guts and the will power to do so. Weird, but I no longer feel the pain. Days can pass without me even thinking of him. I actually think more of P than him now. And I even find myself smiling while writing this.

Am I happy now?

* * * * *

I should be having my period today but there isn't any. Gee, am I taking too much pain killers that I no longer feel myself PMS-ing? Lord, I can't be, it can't be. No! Please? Please? Please?

Come out, sweetie. Don't torture me with the thought of me carrying his. Twas a mistake that finally ended a month ago. Tsk. Wala na atang chance masave ang offsprings ko.

Am I carrying his?

Shall I?

Since I have been losing weight real fast, I still want to hasten the process in a healthy manner. With this predicament, I googled and googled until I chanced upon a water therapy called Lemon Detox Diet.

After quite a search, I am now contemplating to try the Lemon Detox Diet or Master cleanse. It became well-known after Beyonce reportedly lost 20 pounds in two weeks to prepare for her role in Dream Girls. The ingredients are readily available in any Healthy Options store. The diet requires the absence of solid food. That meant water and lemonade alone for a period of time.

The Diet

Upon waking up:
- Drink an 8 ounce glass of cold water and add 1 tablespoon of sea salt

Throughout the Day (around 6-12 glasses):
- Mix the following ingredients with an 8 ounce glass of very cold water:
-2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
-2 tablespoons pure maple syrup (Grade B)
-A pinch of cayenne pepper
*Also take at least 8 glasses of water during the day

Before going to bed:
-Take 1 serving of Smooth Move Tea

The Diet Period:
The diet lasts between 3 to 14 days.

Beginners are advised to try the 3-day plan to get the body used to the idea of detox. And may want to do it monthly. But for others who really want to lose weight (like me), the detox can be done for a longer period of time.

* * * * *
Now, I have a drive to go to Trinoma. Must buy those ingredients at Healthy Options. Tsk. I have no more reasons to skip claiming the PictureBooks.

* * * * *
SHOUT OUT: Happy Birthday, Granny. More birthdays to come. I love you.

Numb

I don't know if it's because of the medicines or of the trauma from the previous relationship that made me feel this way. No matter how many times P profess of undying and faithful love, I just can't feel it.

I wish that I can reciprocate it. I feel for him. He's a very nice man. Honest, always around, and not to mention uber good looking.

Love, why did you leave me?

* * * * *

This is totally nonsense but I am blogging it anyway. He sent me a PM. Asking how am I doing. Tsk. Stupid me, I was never ready for that. For the lack of better words to reply, I replied by asking his identity. Hahaha. I was tempted to say that I am finally over you. Err, getting over you pala. Also, the evil in me wants to tell him that: "I have no PSP and DSLR to give you, why sent me a PM?". Tsk. Poseurs and users are no longer welcome in my life. Meeting such is an episode I want to bury in my grave.

* * * * *

Whoa, Tuesday Love pala ngayon. I almost forgot.

What shall i do with my last 10 weeks?

Time is no longer my best ally. It's fast becoming my nemesis. I only have 10 more remaining weeks to do the things that I love and enjoy doing. Ten weeks! Do you get that?

There are so many things that I want to explore and to experience again. How am I going to squeeze in all those acts? I really have no idea. I am as shocked as you are. Why did it have to be this soon? I am not yet ready myself.

I want to overcome my fear of driving. Yes, I desire to be on that seat. So self-assured looking as I traverse the busy roads of the Metro. Hmm, superior complex on strike again. I vow that before my 10 weeks end, you will see me driving the promised Vios. Wink.

I had a change of heart. I now want to try to go fishing and experience it firsthand. I am not doing it for anyone else but myself. Well, I have no idea where and when and how but soon, I will ask some friends to join me in San Fabian again. We will immerse with the real fisher folks.

I'd like to eat lugaw at Auring's on Sundays especially on rainy days like this. I want to feel the warmth and regards all over again. I want the caldo to envelope me. I want to exclaim that I can live with just eating lugaw on every single day of my life.

On the 7th week, I wish that I can still go to bars. I wish to liberate myself. Dance as if no one is seeing me. Drink as if I am that thirsty. Smoke like there's no tomorrow. Meet and smile at everyone as if I am Ms. Congeniality.

Since I have been losing weight dramatically, I wish to engage in what Nikolai and I enjoyed doing before. Me posing for him. Hahaha. I will always remember how he adores my eyes. He is the sister I never had. He may be gay but the bond we shared has gone beyond gender borders. Let’s have shisha again. I miss those K smokes shisha days.

If only my self –esteem wasn’t that badly hurt, I’d go to Rich’s dinner invite. I don’t know what his intentions are, but I thank him for seeing something in me that the one I long to see it never did. I am wide awake that’s why I never agreed in any of the invites to hang out. More than the “I am not yet ready to love again” phase, I believed in your words. That I am not good for him---a crap like how you always see me.

I still pray to God to grant me another chance to be with Eydrine. I’d like to spend some more babysitting time with him. One day of fun and genuine laughter. We’d hear a mass while I carry him all the time. We’d play at Timezone. Shooting and throwing balls then after every game, he would run to me jumping as I embrace him. Afterwarrds, we will eat in McDo. He likes nuggets so I’ll feed him that. Lastly, we will go to the supermarket. I’ll let him run while I followed him with my heels on. I so adore that kid. I wish I can have someone like him. So bright and articulate. Way to go Lance, Ate Lei will just guide you from afar. Thanks much for the limited but fun times I had with you.

Consequently, I’d like to make sure that my ninang obligations to Kyle be fulfilled. F and I talked about this before; I will give him my old ATM. He will be the one giving my gifts to Kyle and Eydrine on special occasions.

I wish to see the article published before my days end. I want to hold it, see it, read it before my very eyes. I would like to do a critic like what I love doing with the other articles. That article may lack the substance. But it is so subtle that you will find yourself agreeing with me all over again.

I can imagine myself checking in to Queen's alone. Sniffing the old, comforting scent. How that room witnessed my femininity. The good old days that will never ever happen again.

I long to gaze on the stars with Pio again. It was him who introduced that idea to me. I remember the nights when he would call me and would ask me to go by the window and look up. Those twinkling stars are his. Him lovingly smiling at me. This made me miss him more. Those commendable efforts for the fireworks he set up for me once we were on the rooftop. Gee, I'd really like to believe that he loves me but my mind tells me that it isn't love. He is just grateful to have someone like me, constantly guiding him in his endeavors.

I hope to watch "One More Chance" on the last night. I want my close friends to watch and experience it with me over iced cold Absolut. I want to feel the lines and all the drama in it. I want to feel their pain so I’d know that I am still human. Capable of feeling feelings again.

And if I'd be given the chance to start my life all over again, there's only one event that I would try to alter. The very night I replied to a PM of someone who asked me if I am a human. Maybe then, I'd be whole again. Playful and free spirited.

So many wishes, wants, desires and longings. I hope to do all these before my days end. I want to create as many happy memories as possible. With those, I can really say that I lived my life to the fullest.

Sundays

I love Sundays. It's only on Sundays that I get to have that very elusive peace of mind. Every time I hear the Holy Eucharist, my heart just opens up and my mind lightens from all the burdens I have been subjected to.

Funny how I was feeling bitter and mad yesterday for the lashing I received. But now, I think that I am very much open into forgiving him. I don't have the heart to hate that person ( the one who gave me the lashing). I'd like to believe that it was the only piece of honesty he was able show me.

It made me realize how at a young age, I am capable of giving love and forgiveness. It made wiser now in making decisions. I can now decipher poseurs from not. Not because someone serves God on Sunday necessarily mean that he is God-fearing in thoughts and actions. Some are just actors. To which I wonder, isn't that more grave? Hahaha.

It's actually the fourth Sunday that we are separated from one another. Somehow, I am fine now. I am getting used to the hang of it. I am no longer keen on checking my phone whether or not he is texting me. I saved alot for not buying load. Hahaha. But of course, there are downsides. I missed him so. His voice. His touches and kisses. Whew, I'd be more crazy if I will still think of the good old times we had.

Tomorrow, I'd be claiming the yearbook type of scrapbook I pre-ordered in Trinoma. And I don't know if I'd be excited or not. The store is called PictureBooks. Yes, I am a junkie---my very own way of showing how I value and appreciate all the small things he has done in my life. Everything that I have saved will be on that book. That will be last piece of him in my life.

P.S: I am too perked up to sleep. Lying on my bed will only make me think of him. I no longer want to cry either. I don't know. Tawagan ko kaya sya? Ahahaha.

Listen

While watching this Sunday's ASAP, I realized that if there's one best song that could describe what I am feeling right now, that would be Listen by Beyonce. I somehow feel alone as I traverse the crossroads. And that I am also done believing him.

No amount of words could explain the pain that I have been feeling now. I have been hurt by the most significant man in my life. I felt cheated and used. But I thank him anyway, that was the most honest thing I have ever heard from him. Such honesty will finally liberate from the lies and betrayals.

I may seem bitter but I don't hate him. You know, despite all the stuff he did to me, I am still thankful for the whole experience. I just can't hate him even if I earned my badge for abhorring him. Someday soon, I know, I will be able to forgive him. I will. And i will still pray for his continued happiness.

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

In God, I Trust

On this day of your life, Kathryn, we believe God wants you to know...
... that it's OK.

Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

Awww. I just tried on this FB application. How accurate this could be?!? And my prayer tonight:

Lord, I trust in You so much. I want to thank you today because I was able to be with my family and friends. It may be a bit weird that some people are uber thoughtful nowadays. Hahaha. I am not complaining, Papa God. I love you. I appreciate Your kindness and all the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Lord, i am sorry for all of my sins. Help me find acceptance and forgiveness in my heart. Thank you, too for the message. Yes, it's okay. Everything will be alright soon. Thy will be done. Amen.

I Will Be Here

And because I can't get over with that MMK episode, I googled for the OST. And here it goes:

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I...I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I...I will be here
I will be here
When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen

And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I...I'll be here
Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I...I will be here

I will be here
You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you

And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the
One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
'Cause I...
I will be here....
We'll be together, forever

'Cause I will be here
I will be here

Toto & Nene

When I saw the trailer of this Saturday's MMK episode, I froze in my bed. I saw Billy Crawford and Nikki Gil on a bed. Billy is singing "I will be here" while Nikki seems to be in so much pain. And from that moment on, I made a mental note that come what may, I'll watch that episode.

I have two reasons for doing so. Firstly, I can relate to Nene. Nene (as played by Nikki Gil)has sickness and will soon die. She has lost her sight because of Diabetics and then eventually, both of her kidney failed her. She declined dialysis treatments because she's feeling too weak to go on with the procedures. Plus the fact that they are not financially sufficient. With that decision, the doctor told Toto that Nene has only 30 days left to live.

When Toto informed her, Nene bravely accepted her fate. And I quote,

"Mas gugustuhin ko pa mabuhay ng tatlumpung araw ng masaya sa piling mo kesa naman abutin pa ng taon na di ko na maigagalaw pa ang katawan ko".

I wish I could have that kind of acceptance. I know that something is wrong with my body and yet I refuse to believe that I could be dead anytime soon. I still have chances of living. I vowed to myself that I will exhaust all possible means of treatments for me to get better. I am not going to die any time soon! Don't get me wrong, my faith is still intact. I know that all my prayers will be answered on the proper course of time.

Moving on to my second reason, the story tells how a young pastor lovingly and patiently took care of her dying wife. It reminded of Erich Segal's "Love Story". I just thought that it would be nice if there'll be someone singing with me on my dying moment. Someone who will lovingly hold my hand all throughout.

Tears kept flowing. I just can't control it. And now, I ask:

Who'll be there for me when I reach the twilight zone?

SAVED

exag ka. may mga ganyang lines ka pa.
i never asked for those gifts.
magiging pera ba ang scrap book?!
and i thought it was pride and bitterness issue, and not my wallet.
it was the psp and dslr thats why i stayed
HUH?! you gave all the items back to me kasi you are BITTER AND YOU WANT TO FORGET EVERYTHING. hindi ko gusto yun. aanhin ko yun!?
panira ka talaga. umagang umaga eh.

I missed the lethal tongue and now, I am having a handful of it. Gee, Is this the man I love? I no longer know him. Or did I ever? Lord, what's the lesson that I have to learn in this experience? This is really a blessing in disguise. I now know the man and his worth. Thank you Lord for saving me from someone like him.

I Finally Broke My Silence

Yes, as much as I don't want to admit it, I did something very wrong that it is still haunting me. As they say, "things that you don't know will never hurt you". Indeed, that adage is true. I took a peek, I took the risks, and that caused love bug.

I am not really a stalker. But the opportunity presented itself.

This happened after an Eco Run somewhere in the North. I heard of a car group's site he's into. People called him such nick. With so much healthy neurons, I googled some keywords. On the first try, I was very successful. I was able to decipher his login name. Results from google search are of 10 pages. Whoa, I stopped then. Contemplated if that was the right thing to do then.

I gave in to the temptation. It took me days before opening the pages because I conditioned myself first for whatever information I could gather.

The first few pages were safe or shall I say more of online selling comments. Not much harm or something that could alter my perceptions of him. So far, so good. But the 6th or 7th pages did not prepare me for the biggest shock of my life. It was posted like 2 years ago. Him asking for advice on how to end a relationship.

It wasn't me he wants to break-up with, it was some girl who loved him so much that he finds overly sensitive. Reading that post made me cry. I felt for that girl. During that stalking days, we were on the rocks. Though we talked already to make the relationship work, I was never the same again.

Fears and paranoia kept on bugging me. I learned from that post. Did what ticks him and avoided that will tick him off. With him around, I put a facade of a strong girl. Never shedding any tears because he hates it when a girl cries even though he was the one who caused the heartache.

Part of the post was about his wallet being not happy on spending bucks for someone he no longer likes or loves. From then on, I made sure that I will never ever be dependent on him financially. I actually feel that I spent more bucks for him than he did to me. As he would put it, "okay lang yun, ikaw ang may baon eh". Hahaha. Money was never a problem to me for two reasons: I am very generous with the people I love and I don't mind spending it because I just ask for it. This "not happy wallet" clause kept on reverberating on my mind when he said it was over. And so on our next meet up, I packed everything that he has given me and returned those to him. The Light Blue thingy was already sold, according to him.

I never bugged him either into meeting his family or other friends because I know that it will send negative signs to him. I don't want to choke him with the formalities or whatsoever. I saved him from explaining to everyone that we met online. He doesn't find the idea an ideal set-up. He doesn't want to look desperate daw. I waited until he was ready. I got the chance to meet and be with his family eventually. I think, nine times at the most. And those days were so happy. I missed his family especially the kids.

When I read about the PE post, I must admit that he gained my respect when it was very evident that he will never cheat if he's into a relationship given any provocations. I took his post for whatever purpose it may serve. Be it downplaying himself by saying that "pangit na nga ako, bakit pa ako manloloko. Baka wala ng ibigay si Papa Jesus". Those were the gist of his philosophy but not his exact words.

Last night, I broke my silence. I made hints that I knew all these things. Before, I wanted to speak with him about these matter but I never found the guts to do so. I am sorry that I tried to know everything about you. It was only out of pure desire to find out how I can best deal with you and your selfishness and immaturity.

I am actually wondering right now. Did he post another how to's when we were on the rocks a few weeks ago? What were their pieces of advice? I don't know. I don't have the heart to do that again. I cannot subject myself into that heart and life shattering experience.

I will forever etch in my mind that the things I do not know will never hurt me. And let's leave it at that. Call me coward or whatever, I just can't. It's high time that I learn to love myself, too.

the habit that I must break

Damn, here I am in front of my lappie again. Yes, for the nth time, I woke up in the wee hours. Gee, how am I going to have better blood count if I keep on doing this. I don't know why I am always up early in the morning when I don't have anything to do.

Could this be a case of someone is thinking of me? Hahaha. Big joke. "Are you tired because you keep running in my mind?". Hahaha. And I am not to believe on this pick up line. Hmmm. Pio, ikaw ba to? Hahaha

Honestly, I can feel that its my subconscious mind to blame. It's my troublesome mind that keeps on "troubling" me. Why am I still affected? Every single word you sent me makes my fickle mind become fickle all the more.

When will acceptance come to me?

I don't want to cry anymore

Funny how I cannot find the words to express what I really feel. I just want to cry and cry and cry forever. Why does it have to hurt like this? What did I do to deserve this misery? Why does it have to me? Why us? So many questions that I cannot answer. So many questions that I am too scared to ask.

Every passing is day is like a torture. Yes, I get to talk with F but it only made me long for him. I don't want to torture myself anymore. That's the very reason why I decided to veer away from the things that I used to enjoy and adore.

Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I still wish for our happy ending but that could be next to impossible. I have hurt him so much. I despise myself for doing that to the man I want to live ever after. And so I must accept this fate. I should let him be happy in the very arms of that loving someone, like "achiever".

All New

I want to redraw my life. To start all over again. I want to let go of all the things that are hurting me. I want to liberate myself from fears and paranoia. I want to feel brand new again.

And I can only do this if I will be able to control the urges. In doing so, I mustered all the courage to change all my passwords in all of my online accounts. I even changed my YM ID and I hope that I will not be tempted to open the leadore account ever again. Also, not to mention my new mobile number.

I wish to be anonymous now. I want to be surrounded by the people I know.

sunshine

Where art thou? It's been raining here since I got home. The weather is so cold and it makes me feel sad even more. The raindrops reminded me of the good old times we had. The many adventures we took. Simply put, I missed everything about him.

Sunshine, I missed you! I want to bask in the sun for it gives me more strength to go on. Sunshine translates into hope.

On this note, who will be my sunshine after the rain?

A Note from Nina Agus

I enjoyed reading this note from Nina Agus that's why I thought of posting it here. I had a few laugh while reading on this one. My, I can relate to some. And how it inspires me now to move on with my life. Yes, I am getting by slowly and surely. And I am waiting for my Melman---or for that perfect boyfriend who will never leave me when I am at my worst.

Yes, she exists. And NO, she's not the supermodel type with the long legs and perfect skin. She's even better. She's the type of girl you'd overlook--she'd be your last choice. At worst she's insecure, clingy, shallow, jealous, nagging, sensitive, emotional, dramatic, and annoying. But if you can't handle her at her worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve her at her best.

What is a perfect girlfriend? They say there’s no such thing as perfection, and that she doesn’t exist.

Oh trust me, SHE DOES.

She dresses up all cute and pretty every time you take her out on a date. This is her way of keeping you interested as your eyes are locked solely on her. You stare at other girls instead, and she gets hurt and upset that all her time and effort were put to waste.

You call her insecure.

She holds on to you like she’s never letting you go. This is her way of telling other girls that she’s lucky that she has you, and no, you’re not available.

You call her clingy.

She calls you the sweetest nicknames, or ones that only you two will understand. This is her way of saying how special you are, and that there’s nobody else in this world like you. You call other girls “babe” just as how you would call her, and she gets disappointed.

You call her shallow and jealous.

She checks up on you, making sure you made it home safely or that you’re not out getting yourself into any kind of trouble. This is her way of showing how often she thinks about you and that she worries constantly because that’s how much she cares.

You say she’s nagging.

She cries when you do or say something wrong. This is her way of saying “That hurt only because YOU said it and I love YOU.”

You call her overly sensitive and emotional.


She loves you more than you love her. This is her way of dealing with the fact that your relationship wasn’t like how it used to be, but she is willing to make room for more love and some changes. You push her away.

You call her dramatic and annoying.


So go ahead. Leave the insecure, clingy, jealous, nagging, overly sensitive, annoying girl. She will soon be much happier in the arms of someone who actually deserves her: the perfect boyfriend.

bizaare

Last night, I had this very odd dream. Imagine, I was a nun. In that dream, I seem to enjoy the simplicity of life.

Today, as I was on my way home, I thought of that dream again. Trying to decode its meaning and relevance to my life. Was God trying to tell me that I pursue the Theological aspect of life? I have really no idea. But I welcome the idea. It would be nice to have a closer relationship with God.

And to ease my pains, I am now contemplating on going to a retreat. Right now, I am searching for convents and monasteries that offer retreat or recollection. I want to let go of my pains. I want to fully surrender myself to the will of God.

These are some of those that I've googled:

CONSOLER’S OF THE IMMACULATE HEART OF MARY (CIHM) – San Miguel, Jordan, Guimaras

Contact Persons: Rev. Fr. Florentino Lim /Sr. Maria Guia Gaitan
Contact Numbers: 09192807414 / 09189016745

It is a 7-hectare monastery for men and women, established in 2000 by Rev. Fr. Florentino Lim, a former Trappist monks and Sisters of CIHM. It offers retreat and recollection on donation basis. They have outreach program for the poor (aetas) and reforestation, they give seedlings for planting.

PINK SISTER'S CONVENT- Tagaytay

Our first stop when we got there was the Pink Sisters’ Convent. I have mixed feelings writing about this: on one hand, it’s one of our regular stops and obviously a must-see in Tagaytay, but on the other hand, the sheer number of people waltzing in like they’re taking a walk in the park bothers me. Remember folks: it’s a place of prayer. No loud conversations, no boom boom stereos, no children running around and playing. Go, reflect in the chapel, drop off your petitions and donations, and pick up a pack or two of cloister cookies (P160; occasionally they have chocolate chip cookies which are really good!) to take home. Resist the urge to have a picnic on the lawn. When people treat it with the solemn respect it deserves, this is a beautiful place to meditate and pray. If you’re lucky, you can catch the ethereal hymns of the nuns at afternoon prayers.

the same familiar scent

I so missed my bed and pillows. Its been 6 days and I long for the same familiar and comforting scent of my very own room. Gee, this four cornered wall witnessed the many breakdowns I had and will have in the coming days.

I hate myself for turning into a cry baby now. Dad always told me that big girls no longer cry. That I should fend for myself. He's right and I missed him so much. He and grandpere are the only men who loved me unconditionally. I missed my dad's daily sermon on my acads. I missed him calling me almost every night to check on my paper's progress. I wish that he's here beside me. Comforting me as I battle this ailment. Dad, I am so sorry for I wasn't able to save myself. I am a woman now. I did it but I don't regret it. Yes, I am a big girl now but I still cry. The facade that I kept just disappear.

As I lay in bed, I am now preparing myself for tomorrow's judgment. I will be fine.

The Request that I NEVER Asked for

You have requested that your password be sent to you via
email.

This email has been sent to the address we have on file, so
that nobody else will see it.

User ID: lea***********
Password: *************

I really have no idea who requested for my Multiply password when I never did. Tsk. I value my privacy so much that I am so sad about this. I never tried to decode anyone else's password. I am contemplating on changing all my passwords now but I have this principle of not changing it because its a reminder of the people I loved in the past.

My multiply is clean. No traces of any past relationships. It is all about family and friends. I no longer blog there because I want to keep my thoughts to myself thus F is the only person who can visit this site because I once shared him the link.

With this incident, I am more of appalled than mad. I am aghast by the efforts to intrude my privacy. Tis so heartbreaking. Bless you, whoever you are.

a resolution and a mantra

After dinner, I made a mental note- a resolution that I will stop blogging anything that has to do with him. I was surprised to read his PM about the article to be published. I never thought that he would still remember my blogsite given his memory.

You guessed it right, I am not going to send him the article. What for?

* * * * *

I am all the more determined to live longer. Just when I thought I've no more reasons to be alive, God provided me with an inspiration. Why should I keep on sulking for a lost lovelife when there are outpouring of love from family and friends? Nah, who am I joking? Tsk. I still love him. But I have to be awake that there's "achiever" already.

New Mantra

I am not going to let this ailment take me.
I am going to live longer.
I a winner and an achiever, too.
I have faith in GOd.

Happiness is a choice. And I chose to be happy. I'd greet tomorrow with smile. God loves me, too.

on coming home

I have no idea what awaits me tomorrow. I don't have the heart to see them pitying on me. This isn't pride. I am almost certain that the pain my mom's feeling right now can be twice the grief I have in my heart. I don't want them to see me in pain. And I also don't want to see them in pain. I don't want to come home. I want to forever evade the homecoming.

Father, I am surrendering everything to you. Please, make me strong. Prepare me in this kind of ordeal. Di ko na po kaya. Hirap na hirap na ako.

sour graping

I lied. Yes, I did when I said that my heart no longer beats for him. Or so I thought. Last night's YM conversation proved to be another heartbreaking night. Breathing was literally hard for me. I can't even sleep nor eat. I feel that I am falling to the depths of depression again. I don't know but I still feel the pain. Any seeds of hope for possible reconciliation were finally put to a rest.

I was with him for 15 months. And barely 3 weeks from the falling out, he's open to dating again. It will be on Saturday with the girl he hopes to be "the one". The girl's an achiever and all that "wowness" factors he's looking for a partner. Grabe.

I cannot help but feel a bit jealous. I should be in that place and not her. It pains me to read all the accolades he has for "achiever". Yes, this is another sour graping entry but I can't help it. I so love that man and knowing that another girl already took my place is sort of a nightmare that I want to end.

Right now, I feel weak even more. Absurd as it may sound, twice today that I wished for my instant death. I can't stand the physical and emotional pain. Lord, if you are to take me, prepare me and do it ASAP. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I want to rest peacefully.

letter II

This is more painful than I thought. Gee, why do I keep on posting these letters? May be to remind me of how strongly I loved the man.

January 11, 2009

Dearest Bebe F,

April 11, 2008 (from Goldilocks planner) entry:

Gee, I’m finally going to see Mike. Hahaha. I’m so excited. Can’t wait to lay my eyes on the guy who called me a liar, bobo and others. Haha. The guy I learned to love from afar---my Mike. Haha. Love bug again.

48 mins. Late. Wilkins. Nim’s island. Trinoma. 8:00pm. L kisses M. Stops. Looks at M. Giggles. Haha. I don’t know how to respond. There’s a “tongue”. Haha. How I love the feeling of hugging him. Connection defined.

Today marks the 9th month of our first meet- up. Many things have transpired from that very day to this very moment. Events keep on unfolding before my eyes as we journey to love. Ours is a rollercoaster ride. So many ups and downs. With the ride comes a lot of emotions—some are good and some are bad.

There are so many things that I want to tell but I am afraid to do so because I cannot bear to hurt you again. I had a lot of chances. And again and again, I never learned my lessons when I thought I did. I want to apologize for all of my shortcomings. I did a lot of stuff that may have hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. I am taking full responsibilities of the consequences you have for me by being mean in the past days. Again, I am sorry for causing you pains, disappointments and heartaches.

While hearing the afternoon mass, I realized that it so too much to ask for another chance from you. How dare me to ask for yet another chance when I was given several chances before but I just wasted it. I had second thoughts in asking God to give you back to me again because I knew in my heart that I wasn’t able to take good care of you. I have prayed and continuously pray for blessings and those blessings include you. I often say that you are God’s gift to me because He made you as His best instrument for me to rekindle my spiritual affinity with Him again. I cannot express how much I appreciate you for that. You are the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received.

We made wonderful memories together. So good that I wanted those memories to last forever. So good that I etched every details in my mind and heart. I can say that all my most wonderful memories are with you. You made me happy in ways that no one ever does. Loved those surprises that leave me speechless. I appreciate every single thing you do for me. I love the way you make me smile in so many unexpected times. You brought out the woman in me. I never imagined that I can be this person without you on my side. I learned to love again. Be human. Feel the feelings. Realize that there’s more to life than academics. With you, I can be me.

I am asking for forgiveness for all the things that I may have caused you. I know that your forgiveness will not come over night or after reading this. I know that it’ll take a while and I am willing to wait for that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to take care of you when I promised you that just give me another chance and I will make you the happiest man on earth. Too bad that I wasn’t able to fulfill that instead I’ve treated you badly. It only came to me while we were having conversations over the phone that I made you suffer all throughout. I resent myself for doing that to you.

I love you. As one song goes, “time can’t erase a feeling this strong”. I never wanted any partner but you. However, I cannot make you stay anymore. I have hurt you and it’s too much to ask for a final chance even if I wanted to do and beg it badly. I’ll always be here for you if ever you will need me. I thank you for all the lessons I’ve learned through our relationship. I’ll become a better L.

All beautiful things deserve to be treated nicely. And so, I am freeing you. I am letting you go. I accept that even the most beautiful chapter of a book has to end. I am not going to bug you anymore. This will be the last time that I’ll take some of your time. Sorry if this letter is long (I tried to make it short as much as I could). I wish you genuine happiness and for good love to come your way---you truly deserve it. You are not difficult to love. I know that someone will give you the utmost love in time.

P.S: However, you have some stuff with me. You can get it; just inform me before you’ll get it so I can bring it with me. Thank you. How I will miss calling you Bebe. Hay, I love you. Sana inalagaan kita. Sana next time ako pa rin. Kapag feeling mo di ka nila love, isipin mo na mahal kita. And that I am willing to love you from afar, again. *I love you, bebe F. L hugs F. Small kisses in bebe’s face. Cuddles him even if La can no longer clasp her hands. *

letter I

A letter to F (Mike then)around March of 2008. Those days when he was still dating S. Gee, this letter 16 months ago still applies to us.

Now I tell myself that I"ll never risk my heart like that again. I cannot stand another heartbreak. Actually, I'm just being honest. I did it because I didn't want to wake up one day to realize I was dying without telling him about it. Alright, so perhaps I should have thought about it a million times more and probably pondered the best way and perfect time to say it. Sometimes, I ask myself how things would have turned out had i waited little more and probably given him more time to know me.

I don't regret anything. What would I get crying over spilled milk? That's how I try to view things now. As one friend said, at least I told him. The greatest regret comes when you are not able to tell him.

I didn't lose anything. Well probably, a bit of my pride. But it's something i can get back. I'm the same old person, just a little wiser from experience.

I have already forgotten the fact. I have yet to get over him. He maybe Mr. Ideal Guy but most of the time, you don't get the ideal or the perfect, you go for the right thing or person.

I have yet to meet the man who could inspire and move me the way he moved and inspired me. Or perhaps I just don't notice him because all of my attentions are focused on someone else. This is what my friends have been telling me.

I'm not closing my heart to possibilities, I'm just afraid that I wouldn't be fair to the next guy who comes along because he might end up as "Mr. second best". Its a long, uphill climb to closure.

I have to be honest and say that yes, there is still some small seed of hope in my heart that eventually he will learn to love me. But I'm not going to waste the rest of my life backing on that. I know when to quit and give up.

It will come. It will come. Yes I'm probably a sucker for pain and self inflicted torture. I still enjoy the bitter sweet feeling the whole experience of loving him gives me. Yes, it's love despite what they say. If he would only give me a chance, id like to show him how much he means to me. But when the time comes that I need to let his memory go, I'll find a way.

That's how life goes. . .

Of Promises and Of Letting Go

I found this journal in my notebook. Aint sure if I already posted this. But this entry inspired me today.

If you love someone, ask them for nothing. Don't hold them from their destiny. Don't keep them from going off in search of their own answers. Don't ask them for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don't ask them for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come.

And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should they not return to you, then life hasn't cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing them has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person a free, you run a risk of them not returning. But always remember that you found them beautiful precisely because they were free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can't hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People choose to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options.

Young Blood

July 12, 2009
Staff House
10:00pm

Yesterday was so liberating. With lesser load at work, I was able to pour my heart's desires into writing. I feel so clean and light now.

Being the "feelingera" and confident that I am, I send the article to Inquirer's Young Blood section. I got a reply that it will be published soon. I feel so excited about that. I can imagine my mother's reaction if she were to read that. I am quite sure that F doesn't newspapers, he will never know.

I wish that I could inspire other people in my story. Yes, it is a story of my life. How I was able to defy and continue to struggle with the odds. I may have failed, but the whole experience of loving him made me resilient over time. Ours was a wonderful love story that has to end right on time.

I am almost tempted to publish that article on my blog site but I was told not to for it already belongs to INQ.I don't know much about copy rights, anyway. Poor me.

Escapism at its best

July 10, 2009
Staff House
11:29:59pm

I am escaping life. I am employing escapism. I am using escapism to retreat from depression and other mental anxieties. Whenever I feel sad or depressed, I just veer away from happier times or brighter things because it makes me feel bad even more.

I am young and feeling bright. I thought that if I went out into the world with an open heart and mind, somehow things will go to my line of attack. I wanted to escape from the predictability and routines of life, as I knew it. I followed my desires to go to the South even though F told me that it is a foolish idea.

I gave in to my wishes because it was what I wanted to see and experience. I wanted to travel in a world or paradise where things are exotic, yet familiar. Where experiences are safe, yet exciting. Where my days are new and different, yet predictable for it’ll be work.

I know that this thing is very unhealthy. It’s becoming detrimental for I am neglecting reality. I refuse to deal with my depression and mental anxieties in a tangible and practical way.

I know that I have to open up soon. And be back to reality. Face my fears. Let go of my pains. Move on. And lead a better path. If only I can forgive myself from all the ruts that I made, may be I can do the former.

Slowly and surely, I will be back into my real world. I want to see myself laughing hard as I emerge victorious in this endeavor. Papa God, do not leave me. You’re the only light I see in this bleak reality.

less ZZZZZZ

Ever since, Metro Market Market people called me to inform the results of my medical exam, I find it really hard to sleep. For the first time, I feared for my life. Am I a walking time bomb? That anytime will explode anywhere.

Yes, I knew that something was wrong in my body. I easily get tired and feel dizzy. But my trauma in going to hospitals kept me from visiting our family doctor. The smell of the hospital makes me vomit. I don't know but hospitals bring sad memories to me.

But finding out my real sickness came to me as a shock. I was alone in far flung city in the south with no one to comfort me. No one to hug me when the news was delivered. Alone and sad---that's how I was feeling on that Monday morning. I felt sad because at this age, I could do more. I want to achieve more goals and yet, I will be down with sickness soon.

In my solitude, prayers are my best weapon. I know that God is with me. He's the one carrying me now. Helping me with this obstacle. I need to learn that my body is the temple of the Holy spirit, I should take good care of it.

If I have only one prayer now, I would bargain to God for 5 more years of life. I want to celebrate it in best ways possible. The Integrated Bar of the Philippines is waiting for me, I will be a member soon. I can rise from this illness.

***My solitude brought wonders to my writing touch. Ahaha. I was able to write more journals. I'll upload some soon.

when it's over, is it really over?

I have been very confused with the predicament I am in right now. I am sure to let him go. I did. I had to because he wanted some space. And I, I really wanted to go abroad either to study or to work. Things aren't working for us the way we envisioned our love story. 2 weeks ago, "the end" was written on the last page.

However, last night, we watched Transformers. He finally gave in because I am so makulit on claiming my movie prize. I miss the kisses. The touches. It was so blissful that I never wanted that magical moment to end. Hahaha. It wasn't really magical, maybe lustful.

When it is over, you can feel it within you. Like you still care for the person but your heart no longer beats for him. There's no more kilig. Just fondness for old time's sake. I just hope that there'll be no another F to come my way. I am quite over the heartaches from lies and betrayals. I don't know but for me, I am closing that chapter of my life. Forever.