I Finally Broke My Silence

Yes, as much as I don't want to admit it, I did something very wrong that it is still haunting me. As they say, "things that you don't know will never hurt you". Indeed, that adage is true. I took a peek, I took the risks, and that caused love bug.

I am not really a stalker. But the opportunity presented itself.

This happened after an Eco Run somewhere in the North. I heard of a car group's site he's into. People called him such nick. With so much healthy neurons, I googled some keywords. On the first try, I was very successful. I was able to decipher his login name. Results from google search are of 10 pages. Whoa, I stopped then. Contemplated if that was the right thing to do then.

I gave in to the temptation. It took me days before opening the pages because I conditioned myself first for whatever information I could gather.

The first few pages were safe or shall I say more of online selling comments. Not much harm or something that could alter my perceptions of him. So far, so good. But the 6th or 7th pages did not prepare me for the biggest shock of my life. It was posted like 2 years ago. Him asking for advice on how to end a relationship.

It wasn't me he wants to break-up with, it was some girl who loved him so much that he finds overly sensitive. Reading that post made me cry. I felt for that girl. During that stalking days, we were on the rocks. Though we talked already to make the relationship work, I was never the same again.

Fears and paranoia kept on bugging me. I learned from that post. Did what ticks him and avoided that will tick him off. With him around, I put a facade of a strong girl. Never shedding any tears because he hates it when a girl cries even though he was the one who caused the heartache.

Part of the post was about his wallet being not happy on spending bucks for someone he no longer likes or loves. From then on, I made sure that I will never ever be dependent on him financially. I actually feel that I spent more bucks for him than he did to me. As he would put it, "okay lang yun, ikaw ang may baon eh". Hahaha. Money was never a problem to me for two reasons: I am very generous with the people I love and I don't mind spending it because I just ask for it. This "not happy wallet" clause kept on reverberating on my mind when he said it was over. And so on our next meet up, I packed everything that he has given me and returned those to him. The Light Blue thingy was already sold, according to him.

I never bugged him either into meeting his family or other friends because I know that it will send negative signs to him. I don't want to choke him with the formalities or whatsoever. I saved him from explaining to everyone that we met online. He doesn't find the idea an ideal set-up. He doesn't want to look desperate daw. I waited until he was ready. I got the chance to meet and be with his family eventually. I think, nine times at the most. And those days were so happy. I missed his family especially the kids.

When I read about the PE post, I must admit that he gained my respect when it was very evident that he will never cheat if he's into a relationship given any provocations. I took his post for whatever purpose it may serve. Be it downplaying himself by saying that "pangit na nga ako, bakit pa ako manloloko. Baka wala ng ibigay si Papa Jesus". Those were the gist of his philosophy but not his exact words.

Last night, I broke my silence. I made hints that I knew all these things. Before, I wanted to speak with him about these matter but I never found the guts to do so. I am sorry that I tried to know everything about you. It was only out of pure desire to find out how I can best deal with you and your selfishness and immaturity.

I am actually wondering right now. Did he post another how to's when we were on the rocks a few weeks ago? What were their pieces of advice? I don't know. I don't have the heart to do that again. I cannot subject myself into that heart and life shattering experience.

I will forever etch in my mind that the things I do not know will never hurt me. And let's leave it at that. Call me coward or whatever, I just can't. It's high time that I learn to love myself, too.