Happy. Giggling. Kissing.

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything. -from Alex Karev in grey's Anatomy

Yes, he is my everything. I learned to build my world with him in it. Sadly, everything is falling apart because of him too. It's hard to be happy no matter how hard I try. I tried to follow all his whims, do this and that, experiment 101, adventures and misadventures but to no avail. It is not working anymore. We can hardly find time for each other. I feel that it is all me who's making the efforts-the sacrifices of adjusting and understanding everything. Why it has to be all me? Why is that whenever I am about to give up on him and confront him of our issues, he thinks that I am being irrational and unreasonable. Yes, everything is becoming useless or pointless. It is useless to discuss the differences because there is a pre-judgement already. Is it really me who should understand him--his schedules always? Do I always have to adapt forever? I am getting numb or atleast getting used to the pain. The pain of being neglected and unloved. Don't I deserve some efforts? Atleast, if I cannot come to Manila on Saturdays, he would take the initiatives of going to Bulacan for a change. Hahaha. Of course, its a far fetched thing from reality. prices are going up, it is highly impractical to spend for the gas and the toll for Lea. Who am I, anyway? True, I have accepted that bitter truth that I am not worth those chivalry or sweet/romantic actions whatsoever. I must not complain now, really. I don't know why suddenly everything is coming to me. before, I don't mind those. I am perfectly getting by until last weekend. Everything started from that kiss in Nim's Island movie. The magic is so intense and powerful then. i cannot stop. But today, after experiencing the third straight rejections from him on a meet up is too much. Strike 3 as i call it. Tsk. I am on the verge of losing him--on letting him go. I just don't want the both of us to be miserable anymore. I know that I have my own shares of mistakes, alot of mistakes for that matter. I am not the "someone" he is looking for. I am rude, self-centered, selfish and what not. I am not perfect but atleast i tried to give everything. I am not even demanding. All i want is time. Just 3 hours a week of being physically together. We always have a choice in life. And today, I choose not to allow anyone to make me sad. I am now independent. Free from expectations, depressions and heartaches. I love myself. Yes, myself and Lea above anything else. I cannot hate the memories. In fact, I treasure those the most. It is only through the memories that I get to hope that someday, everything will be like that again. Happy. Giggling. Kissing.