day 2: feeling

Wednesday night proved to be the hardest and most painful night of all. I can't sleep no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes. I prayed the holy rosary thrice just to pacify myself and lift all my worries to God but I just can't help myself but think of him. Thoughts of him keep on lingering in my mind. It's hard to accept that everything has to end. I knew that I had to face the consequences of my actions but I never thought that it would be this hard. I cried all the tears in my tear glands--I wanted to pour all my frustrations, submission, defeat and hope that night. I wanted to prepare myself for the biggest ordeal of my life. Yes, I still hope that he would still consider the eleven months of roller coaster ride kind of relationship we have. Yes, I changed. I changed because I thought it would be better for us but I was wrong. All I had to do is be the old Kathryn he once knew. I don't have to adopt another personality to make things work for us. That I should always go for the basics because it is our foundation. I learned my lesson the hardest way. Actually, lessons. I thank him for all the pointers he gave me just in case I jumped into another relationship someday. From that very Wednesday night, I will become a better Lea Kathryn. Not just because of him but because I don't want these kind of things to happen again. Preventive measures as they call it. Thank you.

I started Thursday with a heavy heart and light head. I feel like any time soon, I would fall into the depths of depression. For three days, I haven't eaten anything. I only had water and sundae from Jollibee for lunch. As a friend would say, you are always like that when it comes to him. You depend your happiness too much on him. "Lea, nakakasakal na yun love mo sa kanya! I cannot blame him for choosing the other option than to start a new and give it another shot. Now, all you have to do is be strong. Move on and be good from now on." The whole morning I felt that I am a walking a zombie. Wandering thoughts in the middle of conversations. Walking in a sea of people with blurry vision. Seeing people as if they are hollow--not minding if they are pushing or bumping me. All these changed after receiving one sms form him that says "magkikita ba tayo mamaya?"

Gee, after reading that, I had mixed emotions of hope and fear. A tinge of hope that maybe he wants to give me at least one week to prepare myself for a future without him. Yes, I asked for at least one week of wonderful memories to fill myself. No pressures nor strings attached. Also, I fear that maybe he wants to see me to formalize everything and put a closure. With this kind of emotions, I am starting to have cold feet.

Finally, the moment of truth is right in front of my face. Seated side by side in his car, I feel so anxious. I don't know what he was really up to but I made a promise to myself that whatever it was, I will submit myself. After all, it might be the last and I want to savor that last chance. He asked me where I want to go, to observe where the water is coming from, to show him the contact prints (which I was not able to get because I had to run to Makati). We ended to the similar place where we went to last August 19--the very same place where we can both enjoy ourselves and be closest to one another physically. He asked me if I love him twice, and i said both to yes. he didn't say anything after that. There seemed to be some awkwardness between us. Both are afraid to ask questions or maybe it was just me.

We went back to Trinoma parking area, the same place where he picked me up earlier. The bus that would bring me to Bulacan is already there. No questions. No statements. Sheer silence. As how every meet ups end, I would kiss him goodbye. I opted to kiss him in his right cheek because his from teeth is very tender and I don't want to give him any discomfort. I looked him in his eyes and he kissed me in my lips. And it felt good, as always.