day 1: missing

I thought I can handle the pain. But I am wrong. There's no time of the day that I didn't think of him or how is he doing. I miss reading "beb", "beeby/bibi" and "bebe" in my inbox. Before, I kept on complaining how the sms diminished from 100 down to less than 30 a day, but today I only got 5 sms from him. Messages are short and cold. No trace of miss, regrets or sorry. Tsk. Atleast a hint that he is still waiting for me to go back to my old form. Maybe, he really wants to end it. To put a period. I know that you have reasons why you cannot reply to my sms.

I learned my lesson the hard way. You cannot keep the person no matter how much you love him. You have to accept that there is an ending. Maybe, "forever after all isn't forever". Gee, i miss him so much. I miss the stroke of his hands, the funny way he says "beeby/bibi", the repetitive " I love you's" and most especially, the time we spent together.

These memories keep on haunting me. I cannot let go of them. It's torturing me everytime I see couples walking or exchanging sweet nothings within my sight. Its painful to accept that we have to let go of each other. No matter how superficial the reasons were, I know that deep inside my heart I still want him. Yes, i want him back in my life and I even want to promise that I will adjust to his schedules. I want to tell him that I will and "not will try" to patiently wait for him. I so love the guy. He taught me alot of practical lessons in life. He serves as my inspiration because someday, I want him to be proud of me. If I can just close my eyes and make a wish, I'd trade everything just to have him back in my life again. I cannot stand being miserable without him. Di ko pala kaya. Lord, if this is a challenge, I surrender. Take everything away but him. Help me with this journey because I am not yet ready to face my own music.

I don't want to succumb to depression. I cannot eat. I cannot stop my tears from falling everytime he crossed my mind. I am walking like a zombie--physically present but mentally absent. I don't want this situation to take the best of me. If today, I cannot help but miss him, maybe tomorrow I can muster to accept the truth that I only had him until September 17, 2008.

I wish you well on your endeavors in life. It's so sad that I am no longer a part of your life when you will take your Architecture Licensure Examinations. I know that you can make it big in the future. I have such a high confidence in you and I can't wait to read your name in the newspapers 18 months from now when you finally become an architect. I will surely see you soon, beb. And I promise you that I will become a better Lea then. I sincerely thank you for everything. You made me happy--those were the happiest 11 months of my life. You made a woman out of me.