to my F

Capital “B” is how my classmates call and describe me. B as in bitch or bitchy. And today is not an exemption. Not with my classmates or professors but with the one guy I have always asked for. Yes, the bitchiness in me prevailed today and I don’t have any single excuse for my behavior.

Lately, I have been acting rude and cold towards him. Before, my excuse was premenstrual syndrome or more popularly known as PMS which is half true. But today, I repeat, I can’t think of any. Maybe I am not feeling well or there were so many people in SM North that’s why I easily got irate. Ha Ha Ha. What a lame alibi I thought of.

Tracing on what transpired yesterday and today, I think, could be one factor for my tantrums.

On Thursday morning at around 5am, mom aroused me from my deep slumber because of a phone call. The caller is my ninang Ochie. She was asking me to research on AJ’s project because it was due on the same day at 11 AM. Being the good girl that I am, I agreed to lend my resources for her to utilize. 30 minutes had gone by and she could not find any materials, she asked me to do whole research process. Halfheartedly, I obliged. And when I was about to finish the whole thing, AJ informed her that the regions we were researching on were incorrect. Instead, we should have looked for regions 11, 12 and 13 and not 8, 9 and 10. This development nearly made me lose my temper. I revised the whole thing thanks to “Wow Philippines” website.

Nearly before lunch, my significant other is not texting that much. I forgot the reasons but all I remembered is he’s busy. I told him what happened to my unfortunate whole morning and all he replied was “okay lang, tapusin mo muna.” I am looking for lambing to make me feel good but the one person I want to do it did not. Out of disappointment, my very reliable friend Ken cheered me up by inviting me to play “word racer”. He won over me by 5 points and that scum didn’t give a chance get even. According to him, he was sleepy then. Oh well, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because it was almost midnight in California. Hmpp. I’ll back to you soon. Ha Ha Ha.

Just after lunch, I took a bath and went to SM Marilao. I was looking for cute pajamas for Orcomsoc’s pajama party. After like an hour, I could not find any so sent a rant SMS to my bebe informing him that the whole SM Marilao has no jammies. Uhuh, the brute did not reply. Another missed lambing and so knowing the very sensitive me, I began to feel sad and unloved.

Around 6PM, I sent another SMS that I am about to go home and that he was so busy that he could not even replied to any of my SMS. Finally, he did send an sms that says “Lat text. I love you beb, wala na load eh... Jan 4 up to nabasa ko eh. Tuloy ko later.” I let this incident pass because he has no credits.

Come 7PM, I received a message from him that he’s homebound. I calculated in my mind that maybe before 8PM he’ll be home so we could chat or text more. And to my surprise, he didn’t go home after work; he passed by Trinoma and saw Billy Crawford there. Another nerve in my body got piss off by his lack of courtesy to inform me of what he was up to. I hate it when I am clueless, same reason why I hate surprises.

After 45 minutes, I got so tired of waiting. I am sleepy and sad then. With all the politeness left in my sanity, I did inform him through text that I will be sleeping because I lack one. He replied that he’s 5mins away from home, that he has a picture of a certain Nicole. With all the sleepiness, I was no longer able to reply to him. He called me but I was really drifting to dreamland then. How I would love to listen and talk to him but my very body is not capable at that time. And to cut it shortly, I slept right there and then.

Past 1AM, I was awakened by a bad dream so I texted him. Asked him if was still awake but didn’t get to receive any reply. And so I assume he was asleep. I even wished him a good night sleep. I felt so alone again. Alone and scared. Sleep was elusive no matter how hard I try to close my eyes.

Finally, around 6AM today, I can feel that my eyes are tired. With all courtesy, did text him gain that I’ll get a sleep because the whole dawn I was awake. He replied then. We had a few exchanges before I dozed off. When I woke up, he was so cold. Not paying attention to me again. I asked him regarding last night unanswered sma but his only reply was “basta”. This really made me lose all the temper I have. I find him rude and unaffectionate. I began to act cold too.

At 3PM, I was on my way to SM North because they are on sale and I have to buy jimmies for the party. There were so many people (it’s Friday and its sale, what do I expect?) and I felt a bit dizzy. I can’t even find any to buy and added to my irritation. And when F asked me because he’s going to meet me, I just replied “at the block, I want to go home” to which he replied “umuwi kana, oki lang”. I was like “oh my God, why is he so dense?” another “lambingin mo kaya ako” missed. Tsk. Maybe, someone has to teach my F to be sensitive.

Past 6PM, I finally got to lay my eyes on him. He was frowning so I thought he was mad at me. With that kind of welcome expression in his face, I distanced myself. I was trying hard not to cry that’s why I don’t want to speak. In my head, thoughts like “isn’t he happy to see me, is he mad or is he in a hurry” lingered. he walked me to the fx terminal, upon falling in line, he just kissed me goodbye.

Upon seated at the FX, Gara invited me to dinner. I got off the FX. I immediately texted F to wait for me and join us to dinner. I waited in front f Jollibee and minutes after his non appearance, I went to Kamiseta. There I found a Kimono inspired dress, I wanted to fit the dress before buying but the long queue before me lost my interest. And so, I decided to follow him in the supermarket. After 6 steps away from Kamiseta boutique, I saw him. I talked to him but he was passive. I kept silent again. Just savoring the time I have with him. After a few steps, I lost sight of him. I kept on looking but he was gone. I told myself and resigned, maybe this is another “walk-out on Lea” episode again.

Alone, I strolled around the mall. 10 minutes later, I decided to go home and rest. Think things over. Assess myself. Find logical reasons for my unbecoming.

I didn’t find any. I am still a rotten bitch. I might lose him again. I don’t think I’ll be ever ready for that but if I need to, I will be.

To F, there are so many things I want to tell you. So many things that I am excited to share with you. I just hope that you still have the patience to bear with me. I love you. And thank you very much.