letter II

This is more painful than I thought. Gee, why do I keep on posting these letters? May be to remind me of how strongly I loved the man.

January 11, 2009

Dearest Bebe F,

April 11, 2008 (from Goldilocks planner) entry:

Gee, I’m finally going to see Mike. Hahaha. I’m so excited. Can’t wait to lay my eyes on the guy who called me a liar, bobo and others. Haha. The guy I learned to love from afar---my Mike. Haha. Love bug again.

48 mins. Late. Wilkins. Nim’s island. Trinoma. 8:00pm. L kisses M. Stops. Looks at M. Giggles. Haha. I don’t know how to respond. There’s a “tongue”. Haha. How I love the feeling of hugging him. Connection defined.

Today marks the 9th month of our first meet- up. Many things have transpired from that very day to this very moment. Events keep on unfolding before my eyes as we journey to love. Ours is a rollercoaster ride. So many ups and downs. With the ride comes a lot of emotions—some are good and some are bad.

There are so many things that I want to tell but I am afraid to do so because I cannot bear to hurt you again. I had a lot of chances. And again and again, I never learned my lessons when I thought I did. I want to apologize for all of my shortcomings. I did a lot of stuff that may have hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. I am taking full responsibilities of the consequences you have for me by being mean in the past days. Again, I am sorry for causing you pains, disappointments and heartaches.

While hearing the afternoon mass, I realized that it so too much to ask for another chance from you. How dare me to ask for yet another chance when I was given several chances before but I just wasted it. I had second thoughts in asking God to give you back to me again because I knew in my heart that I wasn’t able to take good care of you. I have prayed and continuously pray for blessings and those blessings include you. I often say that you are God’s gift to me because He made you as His best instrument for me to rekindle my spiritual affinity with Him again. I cannot express how much I appreciate you for that. You are the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received.

We made wonderful memories together. So good that I wanted those memories to last forever. So good that I etched every details in my mind and heart. I can say that all my most wonderful memories are with you. You made me happy in ways that no one ever does. Loved those surprises that leave me speechless. I appreciate every single thing you do for me. I love the way you make me smile in so many unexpected times. You brought out the woman in me. I never imagined that I can be this person without you on my side. I learned to love again. Be human. Feel the feelings. Realize that there’s more to life than academics. With you, I can be me.

I am asking for forgiveness for all the things that I may have caused you. I know that your forgiveness will not come over night or after reading this. I know that it’ll take a while and I am willing to wait for that. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to take care of you when I promised you that just give me another chance and I will make you the happiest man on earth. Too bad that I wasn’t able to fulfill that instead I’ve treated you badly. It only came to me while we were having conversations over the phone that I made you suffer all throughout. I resent myself for doing that to you.

I love you. As one song goes, “time can’t erase a feeling this strong”. I never wanted any partner but you. However, I cannot make you stay anymore. I have hurt you and it’s too much to ask for a final chance even if I wanted to do and beg it badly. I’ll always be here for you if ever you will need me. I thank you for all the lessons I’ve learned through our relationship. I’ll become a better L.

All beautiful things deserve to be treated nicely. And so, I am freeing you. I am letting you go. I accept that even the most beautiful chapter of a book has to end. I am not going to bug you anymore. This will be the last time that I’ll take some of your time. Sorry if this letter is long (I tried to make it short as much as I could). I wish you genuine happiness and for good love to come your way---you truly deserve it. You are not difficult to love. I know that someone will give you the utmost love in time.

P.S: However, you have some stuff with me. You can get it; just inform me before you’ll get it so I can bring it with me. Thank you. How I will miss calling you Bebe. Hay, I love you. Sana inalagaan kita. Sana next time ako pa rin. Kapag feeling mo di ka nila love, isipin mo na mahal kita. And that I am willing to love you from afar, again. *I love you, bebe F. L hugs F. Small kisses in bebe’s face. Cuddles him even if La can no longer clasp her hands. *